Dear Mike Cares, what advice do you have for this midlife lard-ass?

DEAR MIKE CARES: I'm a single 48-year-old male. I come from a close-knit family of four. I am my disabled nephew's personal home caregiver, taking care of him 24/7, 365 days a year. I live a normal, happy life with no interference. Lately, I've been stuck in a rut of sorts, and I can't figure it out. I am a Type 2 diabetic who maintains and watches my health very carefully but still struggle with my weight. I have been feeling down and sluggish lately. I don't know if I am having a midlife crisis or something else. I never married and don't have children, but I just don’t ever have fun.  All I'm feeling is like life is slowing me down and I don't know why. Please give me your thoughts. -- NOT MYSELF IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR NOT MYSELF IN NEW MEXICO: Being a 48-year-old blob of pudding who just sits around the house making sure your nephew doesn’t shit himself is no life for any man. You need to focus on you for a while before you end up like your drooling nephew. My two-step program will snap you out of your sluggish meaningless life.  Step One: wheel your nephew over to the living room, plop him in front of the boob-tube and give him that jumbo bag of Doritos we both know you keep next to your bed.  Step Two: put on your best stretch jeans and oversized shirt grab a six-pack and a SlimJim from the fridge jump into that wheelchair accessible van and start cruising for some lap flounder. The world is full of stupid broads so don’t be shy with the pick-up lines. Start at the library, then to the mall, and then onto a dimly lit saloon where no one knows your name. If you still haven’t found someone who will tolerate your mouth drivel, head over to the nearest strip club. Don’t fret, your beer and beef jerky breath won’t offend anyone there just as long as your measly caregiver cash fits into the greasy palm of some drugged up lesbian pole dancer. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram, Reddit, Substack and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com