Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this?

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a man I'll call "Ken" for six months. We are both widowed. It has been two years for him and three for me. My husband was my childhood sweetheart, and I cherished the ground he walked on. We treated each other like royalty. Ken is a wonderful man who treats me like a queen.

Neither of us wants to live together. I never ask him for anything, but he buys gifts for me and surprises me with them. I love his taste. The problem is, he's falling for me faster than I am for him. He has told me he loves me, but I just can't say it back. I don't know what's keeping me from doing it. Maybe I'm still mourning my husband. What is wrong with me? -- PERPLEXED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR PERPLEXED IN THE SOUTH: I assume since you are both widowers you are a couple of old codgers hanging on to what is left of your lives so tightly you barely have the strength to make it to your 4 pm supper. Your Ken buys you gifts and treats you like a queen and all he wants in return is for you to tell him you love him before he keels over into his mashed peas and applesauce?

If you are unable to let him know you love him then you have to replace your oral love with oral pleasure. So do old Ken a favor and slip those dentures out and give him a gumjob for the ages, and do it quick, best time is between his adult diaper changes. And don’t think this will affect your ability to mourn your husband, he won’t care that you are accepting gifts from walking stiffs, he’s a lot more dead than Ken’s trouser trout is.

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