Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this?

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for close to a year, and in this short time I've seen a side of my wife I've never seen before. Although I met her during a period of sobriety, she drinks now. The problem is what she does when she drinks. On one occasion, she was supposed to go to the market and return on foot. Instead I found her in a car with a stranger, drinking and high. She claimed it was too cold to walk and she was just trying to keep warm.

On another occasion, she got drunk and had a male friend with whom she'd been intimate in the past pick her and all her belongings up and left me watching her drive away with him. She later called apologizing profusely from a different man's apartment begging me to pick her up. I could go on and on with similar scenarios, but my letter would be too long.

Her latest is when she told me she put a "code" on her phone so I couldn't find out where she had been. (She had really just turned off location sharing on her phone.) She says she loves me with all her heart and there's no one else, but I find it very hard to believe. Am I the world's biggest, dumbest doormat for not divorcing her? (I can't just turn off my love for her.) -- SUCKER OUT WEST

DEAR SUCKER OUT WEST: You sound like a very intelligent man, just kidding, you are a world-class moron. Your loving bride has a disease called acute Sipenfuck. Every time she takes a sip of booze she finds a cute guy to fuck. In your case, Sipenfuck can only be cured by keeping your booze and cock hound off the sauce at all times. Anything short of that and she may end up overdosing at the local happy hour and choking on a strange piece of man-meat. If you don't lose this vodka-soaked vixen, I would say that you are, indeed, the dumbest doormat and biggest sucker out west (except your booze gargling bride of course!)

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