Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into a new rental house on my best friend's property a year ago. We love living here. We moved to be closer to my friend, "Noah," who is like a brother to me. He and his wife live on the same property.

Noah was diagnosed with heart disease two years ago, and was given a year to live. He has surpassed that estimate. He now wants my husband and me to buy the house we are renting. I'm hesitant because Noah's wife suffers from a mental illness.

She has always been threatened by our close friendship, and if anything goes wrong in her life, she accuses me of sabotaging her. When she's stable, she's a nice and generous person, but recently she has been experiencing hallucinations and severe paranoia. Noah wants us to stay because he needs our support. I'm afraid that after he's gone, she'll make our lives miserable and try to contest the ownership of the property. The property is in Noah's name only. He bought it before they got married. What should I do? -- TORN TO PIECES

DEAR TORN TO PIECES: What the fuck are you even talking about, you love where you live as a renter but don’t want to buy because soon-to-be-dead Noah’s wife suffers from mental illness? Is this a gag, are you really this stupid or are you actually Noah’s nutjob wife seeking answers about your future? When I read letters like yours I think I am hallucinating and paranoid. To answer your ridiculously fucktarded question, buy the fucking house nice and legal-like and tell Noah’s wife that she is not welcome on your property because you fear the people are coming out of the woods at night looking for her may want to harm her. That should send her over the deep end, and if your lucky, to a quiet and locked-down mental hospital.

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