Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby?

DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school, and I recently got into a relationship. This isn’t my first rodeo when it comes to this type of stuff, but in this instance, the guy I’m dating has never been in a relationship before. This is his first time.

Because I’ve done this before, I know what to do in certain situations and understand social cues. How do I go about teaching him about certain aspects in a relationship? Like, how do I get him to make the first move and things like that?

WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA: I think it is wonderful that you, as a mature, world traveling, experienced, cock-gobbling 10th grade cowgirl understands the value of training her man at such a young age, and right out of the gate. I can only imagine how positively fucktarded you think this guy is for you to have to take such a professorial approach to pussy whipping. You should definitely start out with a tight collar and short leash, you don’t want him getting the wrong idea like free thoughts or movement or god forbid he develops a wandering eye. I think the only social cue he is going to pick up on is that you are bat-shit crazy and the first other girl he runs into who doesn’t tell him to sit, speak, stay and lie down, will be exactly what he needs, a new girl to lie down with.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||