Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby?

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a three-year relationship, but my significant other, "Ron," is extremely cautious about emotional attachment. It took him two years to tell me he loves me or even to express any form of serious affection. In addition, he's consumed by his job and worries about how his co-workers perceive him. He seems to prioritize work relationships over our relationship.

Because I have been depressed by the meager affection he shows me, I began an intimate relationship with a former co-worker, "Dan." Dan expresses no reservations or restraint in his feelings for me. He makes me feel appreciated, beautiful and loved.

I have strong feelings for them both and realize I have created a horrible situation. I don't want to abandon a stable, caring relationship that was cultivated over three years, and I'm terrified that ending the relationship in favor of one with Dan would be something I'll regret later. But I'm unwilling to break things off with Dan. I'd appreciate any advice. -- TWO-TIMER ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR TWO TIMER ON THE EAST COAST: You are depressed because Ron doesn’t show you enough affection so you headed over to Dan for the high hard one. Now Danny Boy is telling you everything you want to hear because not only are you a slutty little twataholic you have told Dan precisely what Ron doesn’t tell or do. Duh?

I bet if you told Danny Boy that Ron ignores your desire to live in a magical land he would show up wearing a Unicorn costume. Let’s face it slutmaster, Dan is doing what most men do, banging the hail-mary out of the bitch packing a duffel bag filled with complaints about her man at home.

If as you say, Ron gives you a “stable, caring relationship” then stay with Ron and continue locking crotches and swapping gravy with Danny Boy until you regret it and then you can start looking around for the next Mr. Right Now. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Ron’s co-workers his girl is out slinging her lap flounder around like a drunken fisherman.

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