Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby? *case of the dirty wife...

DEAR ABBY: I am 45 years old, but am told I look much younger. I don’t work but keep the house in order and do most of the chores. The problem is my husband “Tom” of 10 years refuses to take me anywhere or have sex because he says I don’t shower enough for him and I do not “dress for success” when I leave the house. He constantly tells me I look dirty, and dress like a bum! The truth is that I do shower, just not every day and when I leave the house I like to wear comfortable clothing like sweatpants and t-shirts.

Why should I shower every day, do my hair and dress up just to go to the supermarket where everyone else is in sweats? I suspect he may be having an affair and all his complaints about me are his way of blaming me. Should I confront him or wait for the other shoe to drop? - WAITING IN ALABAMA

DEAR WAITING IN ALABAMA: What other shoe to drop, the announcement of his affair, or that you will finally take a shower and put adult clothes on? You sound like a lazy housewife making excuses yourself, but want us to believe you are merely a victim of a bad husband? I don’t buy it. If all you do in life is sit around waiting for your husband to come home and shop you should at least be clean and properly dressed.

By the tone of your letter and your admitted lack of bathing and preferred attire, you don’t sound like you would be attractive to anyone who is not currently in prison. I think it is safe to assume you have skid-marks in your underwear and your lady-parts probably smell like the door on a tuna boat. Let’s face it, your disgusting ways have pushed Tommy Boy right into the arms of any broad who wears perfume and doesn’t wear sweats in public. You might also be depressed, so before you seek any help from a therapist how bout peeling off your stained sweats and throwing them out on your way to the shower.

Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com