Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby? *case of the elderly rump-wrangler

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a man I'll call "Ed" for 15 years. We are seniors, but he is 17 years older than I am. I have three children from a previous marriage who are grown and on their own. I think my husband is gay but never came out of the closet. He watches gay porn and once confessed to me he had a fantasy about another man. For the last 10 years, he has refused to have sex and is always making excuses ("I'm old," "I'm tired," "Tomorrow"). I crave love and intimacy. Ed is cold, distant and a loner. He refuses to travel or do anything for fun. He's well-off financially, never had kids and is a good provider. However, that is all he does. I want to leave him, but I feel guilty because of his age and because he has been a responsible provider over the years. I love him as a person, but not as a husband. Please advise. -- DEPRESSED AND STUCK IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DEPRESSED AND STUCK IN PENNSYLVANIA: If Ed is so gay why have you waited around for 10 years? Did you think he would just wake up one day and blurt out “boy I could sure use a big set of hooters, and a warm vagina,” or did you think he would just have a sudden need to go shopping and to discuss celebrity lifestyles? Snap out of it, Ed has been dreaming of cowboys with fat cocks riding his rectum like a pink rodeo. If you crave love and intimacy, get yourself a dog or a lover, Ed won’t care, unless of course your lover shows up on horse. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com