Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby? *case of the holiday meal martyr.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married three years, and we generally trade off spending holidays with each of our families. Because neither set of our parents is willing to travel to us, we go to them. My mother-in-law takes great pride in hosting and sets a beautiful table. She'll spend an entire day in the kitchen, forgoing visiting with guests and wearing herself out to present an amazing dinner. If this brought her pleasure, there wouldn't be a problem. But, Abby, she complains bitterly about how tired she is, how much her feet hurt, how much work it is to have people in her home and how she resents it.

The thing is, she won't let us help. I've offered each time to help her cook, bring dishes made ahead of time or take a turn so she can sit down. Each time I have been sternly rebuffed, as if I've asked something embarrassing. When I tried leading the cleanup crew, her response was a hard no. I even suggested I come a day early and help with prep work, also no. I'm pretty sure she tells her friends she has lazy kids. Suggestions? -- BAFFLED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BAFFLED IN PENNSYLVANIA: Your mother-in-law has a bad case of martyr syndrome; she wants everyone to feel bad for her sacrifices, and I’m sure everyone hates her. You can’t win. But, to keep the “Happy” in Happy Holidays you need to prevent a repeat performance next year. You have to take one for the team and punish her with a good old-fashioned booze-induced verbal beatdown. Let her know the mashed potatoes are almost as cold and lumpy as she is, that the meat tastes like dogfood, ask her if the vegetables were canned during the Y2K scare, and let her know the apple pie tastes like cardboard and freezer burn.  Finally, (before being asked to leave,) chug the last beer, belch loudly and ask if she kept the receipt from whoever catered this diarrhea inducing shit-show because she should demand her $29 dollars back. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com