Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby? *case of the leg sweeping paramedic

DEAR ABBY: I'm a paramedic. My wife constantly asks me to pick up additional 12 hour shifts so we have more money coming in but says she can't do any more overtime at her job. She says she does so much work around the house that it makes us even. She takes vacation time to go to theme parks and out with her friends while expecting me to save my time off and use it only when I can go with her. I don't think this is fair. How do I address this without starting a fight? -- TIRED IN THE EAST

DEAR TIRED IN THE EAST: Your wife sounds like a self-centered twat, but you sound like a bitch for being afraid of her. The best way to address this without starting a fight is by using your paramedic background and gear to effectively communicate with her. The next time she walks in the door leg sweep her onto the floor and then immediately tie her to your spineboard, affix a neck brace and oxygen mask and then inject her with 300 cc's of Ketamine, (aka, a shut the fuck up shot.) Now you will have her undivided attention to state your position on the matter, and since she will be immobile you can give her the high hard one, all dependent upon her usual post coital moods. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is alson on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and other digital blah blah sites. Email me you stupid questions to DearMikeCares@gmail.com