Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby? *case of the possible granny-cide

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother and I have lived together for the past 22 years. She raised me from the age of 3. We used to be best friends. However, over the last few years, things have changed. We don't agree on a lot, and we have very different opinions on almost everything. We argue and fight with name-calling, threats and a lot of disrespect. I have suggested we go to counseling a couple of times, but she's never shown any interest. I know I have an anger problem, which I take full responsibility for. I also know the best thing to do in these situations is probably to turn around and walk away, but sometimes she pushes my buttons and I can't help but fight back. I understand this is a problem that needs to be fixed, and I want to, but I don't know how to start. I know you've written a booklet about anger. What can I do short of moving out? -- OUT OF CONTROL IN COLORADO

DEAR OUT OF CONTROL IN COLORADO:  I really feel for you, there is nothing harder than having both an anger problem and the patience to have to wait around for your fragile old granny to slip on a banana peel and bang her head so hard she will be in a coma for a few years while you enjoy the peace and quite of living in her house without having to listen to her bitching and moaning. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: I am a single man in good health. I'm intelligent, friendly, funny and have been told by more than one woman that I don't look my age. But I do have one exasperating personality trait. I can't tell whether a woman is just friendly or romantically interested in me. I have no clue. None. I met a very attractive single woman, relatively close to my age, a couple years ago. Over time, she has seemingly become more enthusiastic about saying hello to me when I visit her workplace to deliver items every week. She always smiles when we speak to each other. Conversations have gone from short and clipped to longer and more personal. I like her very much. How can I tell if a mature woman is flirting with me or just being personable? She often works small compliments about me into our conversations. I want to ask her straight out if she is flirting, but if she says no, I'd be very embarrassed. I need your good advice. -- CLUELESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CLUELESS IN MICHIGAN: It’s 2024, if a woman is interested in a man she will flirt and if she is flirting with a clueless retard, she will likely just come right out and ask you out.  So she’s probably been flirting and sending signals out to you, but they are all bouncing off the Pussy-Proof Vest you have strapped to your chest. Sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone and go for it and be direct. In your case I would try drinking a half gallon of Jack Daniels stagger right up to her and wave at her with your Johnson.  If she screams or calls 911 you may be fucked, if she laughs and asks for a sip, you may be fucked! Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend is the loveliest, smartest, most compassionate and supportive person I know. We have been together for a year and a half. When we first met, we hung out a few times. When I told her my feelings toward her, she responded that she was in an open relationship, so I backed away.

Months later, we met up again. I helped her with a carpentry project, and she said she was done with the open relationship stuff and wanted a monogamous relationship. I agreed. We have a caring, supportive relationship that means the world to me.

Multiple ex-boyfriends call her and want to hang out, and she wants that, too. What bothers me is worrying the exes' intentions may not be good, yet she feeds into it and tells me I need to trust her. I struggle with jealousy, anger and distrust when this happens, and I have shared those feelings with her, but she can't let these folks move on. She says I'm stealing her freedom and controlling her by asking her to ignore them. This is the biggest problem in our relationship, but everything else is great. Are my emotions wrong? -- INSECURE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR INSECURE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: Your emotions are spot on, your loveliest, smartest, compassionate, and supportive girlfriend is still mentally in an open relationship, as-in she is opening her legs for the multiple ex-boyfriends.  The best advice I have for you is to break up with her, and then you can just call her up if you want to get laid, it works for everyone else!  If she doesn’t pick up or call you back, it’s you dude.  Insecurity is for girly-men anyway, why don’t you start posting your availability for carpentry projects, you’ll have all the beaver in town calling you for help, and then start over with a nice girl who appreciates all of your tools, especially the one in your pants.  Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-plus-year-old single male. I recently started hanging out with one of my friend "Tom's" ex-girlfriends. It is now turning into more than friends. "Pam" and I both have feelings for each other. She and Tom dated for five months and broke up eight months ago.

Do I owe it to Tom to ask his permission or tell him I'm seeing her? Pam has asked me to not say anything and to let him find out on his own, which will happen because we have many mutual friends. I want to respect her choice. But also, as Tom's friend, I feel the right thing to do is tell him. Please advise. I'm stuck between her wishes and doing what I think is right. -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE IN IOWA

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE IN IOWA: Doing the right thing? You sound like a bitch, are you one of Tom’s exes too?  Did Tom tickle your pickle and leave you broken hearted? You don’t owe Tom anything, nor do you need to ask his permission to bang his exes. The bro-code does not apply, you simply have feelings for some girl he stuck his tongue and cock into for five months. Don’t focus on that, focus on why she doesn’t want him to know…maybe because he still bangs her? So, the only thing you are really stuck in the middle of is his man-meat and her sloppy seconds battered beaver.  Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

TOP TEN THINGS YOU WILL PROBABLY HEAR AT THIS YEAR’S DEAR MIKE CARES CHRISTMAS SUPPER TABLE:

10.       I heard Father O’Brien is embracing diversity this year by butt-fucking the         genderfluid altar boy.

9.         Dude, that autistic kid is eating the ornaments off the tree, should we tell his mother or just give him another beer?

8.          I’m going to make a killing listing all these shit-gifts on ebay.

7.         Every year grandma looks more and more dead, who gets her jewelry anyway?

6.         I heard Santa Claus couldn’t deliver gifts in Gaza because there’s no chimneys left.

5.         Looks like Aunt Christine got new tits, let’s do shots with her till she whips them out.

4.         This food is so gross I’ll probably shit my pants before I get a chance to puke.

3.         There’s not enough booze in the world to make this phony holiday worth another DWI.

2.         Trump can grab my pussy anytime he wants.

1.         If AI planned this party we’d all be high as fuck hanging out on Jeffrey Epstein’s island throwing bitcoins at SBF and listening to Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s stand-up routine.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is desperate for women's attention, and I'm sure he'd cheat on me the instant he had the chance. We have been together for 12 years. When we met, he was 24 and I was 31. I realize now that while I have had four long-term relationships and a fair share of sexual partners, my husband has had little sexual experience outside of our relationship. Any time he's around women, whether I am there or not, he makes it a point to strike up a conversation or gain their attention. It doesn't matter if they're young or old, attractive or not. He has fostered many "friendships" with women I don't know, like gas station attendants or his employer's office staff. He swears he has never cheated, and I have never found any solid proof other than pornography. I just can't shake this feeling that he needs or wants to experience other women, and I don't know what to do. Please help. -- MORE EXPERIENCED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR MORE EXPERIENCED IN SOUTH DAKOTA:  I think your “feelings” are mostly about your complete and total insecurity as a spouse. You may think you are this big experienced “woe-man” feeling sorry for your inexperienced lover of a husband, when in reality you’re not giving him what he wants or needs.  If this guy is hitting on anything with a pair of hooters or a worn-out lap flounder, then maybe you need to rethink your approach to being a good wife.  I would suggest you stop waiting around for him to cheat on you and focus on blowjobs, back-rubs, and hot meals. Men are pretty simple, lazy and primitive, even a nut-job like you could probably blind his wandering eyes with some lingerie, whiskey and phony attention. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: I'm a paramedic. My wife constantly asks me to pick up additional 12-hour shifts so we have more money coming in but says she can't do any more overtime at her job. She says she does so much work around the house that it makes us even. She takes vacation time to go to theme parks and out with her friends while expecting me to save my time off and use it only when I can go with her. I don't think this is fair. How do I address this without starting a fight? -- TIRED IN THE EAST

DEAR TIRED IN THE EAST: Your wife sounds like a self-centered twat, but then again, you sound like a little bitch for being scared of her.  Use your paramedic skills and gear to fix your problem without starting a fight. The moment she walks in leg sweep her, roll and strap her onto your spineboard, affix a neck brace and oxygen mask, then inject her with 300cc’s of Ketamine, also known as “shut the fuck up.” Now that you have her attention, lay down the new law of the land, wait for the proper response, and if you are a sick fuck, since you have her just where you want her, you may as well give her the high-hard one.   Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Paul" for several years. He lives about an hour away, and we see each other a few weekends a month. I know he loves me. A few months ago, his dog suddenly died from cancer. It was traumatic because "Bruiser" was his best friend. Paul has been different since Bruiser's death. He has zero interest in anything physical. To me, touch is important -- not just sex. There's shared intimacy in holding someone's hand or kissing. I feel like a plant that's wilting with no sun. I know Paul is struggling, but I don't know how to help him through. We talked about it once, but other than acknowledging he's struggling, he has done nothing further. I don't want to force the issue, but time is precious. I know what it's like to struggle with depression, and I recognize the signs, but he won't get help. How can I support him through this and get over my selfishness? -- IN THE DARK IN NEW YORK

DEAR IN THE DARK IN NEW YORK: Dogs don’t suddenly die from cancer; you probably were so focused on your own stupid needs you didn’t notice what Paul and Bruiser were going through. Also, if you must write “I know Paul loves me,” he probably didn’t. At best, we can be certain that Paul never loved you as much as he loved Bruiser, so rather than worry about your touch needs, why don’t you get Paul a new dog, this way he can touch the dog, you can touch Paul, and you will be right back being where you belong in Paul’s life, a solid #2.  Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: I am a man in my 50s. A few months ago, I had a routine doctor's appointment, with a new primary care physician. I intended the appointment to be a complete, regular physical. I don't (thankfully) have any major physical health issues that I know of. But I was always taught it is wise to have periodic physical exams, in case there is a less obvious medical issue, as well as get to know one's doctor. I went for the physical exam. I was not asked to undress as I have been with all my previous doctors. The doctor seemed nice, but I found it strange that I wasn't examined physically. I find it hard to understand how a doctor could properly examine me without me undressing. The doctor should be used to seeing bodies, and I cannot understand why the doctor or staff were reluctant to ask me to undress.  I found this all very confusing. Perhaps there was some miscommunication? I don't know if this is unusual, temporary or a new normal that I haven't heard about. Next time, should I be more clear about wanting to be examined thoroughly, or should I change doctors? -- COVERED UP IN VIRGINIA

DEAR COVERED UP IN VIRGINIA: Sounds like your disappointment lies in the fact that you did not get to undress and have strangers roam their hands over and into your body.  Not sure if your doctor was a female or a male, but either way they had a reason to keep you clothed.  You are either a big fat slob forcing a doctor to search through your blubber to make sure you don’t explode at your next Denny’s all you can eat breakfast, or you’re some sort of boner-wielding pervert seeking rectal relief from anyone wearing rubber gloves. Yes, definitely change doctors and the moment you are left alone in the examining room, strip down, bend over, and wait for the sweet feel of a strange fist up your ass, assuming they can find it!   Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: I'm a lesbian. My wife and I have been married for nine years, but since COVID and my mother's death, we have had problems. I met a man online; he's an actor. We grew close via the internet. When my wife found out, we fought, and this man and I haven't been as close. Although we mended our relationship and I love her, I seem to always wonder. About a year ago, I got hit on by another actor on Instagram, and we also grew close until my wife found out. I stopped, but I still maintain contact with these men, and I'm not sure why. I wonder if I'm happy with my wife or if it would be better with someone else. I wonder if I'm staying with her for love or for comfort. I'm not sure. I keep questioning my identity and my life. Any advice? -- LACKING CERTAINTY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LACKING CERTAINTY IN CALIFORNIA: So, is your sexual identity the real issue or are you just using the man/woman confusion to underscore your sheer boredom in your current lesbo marriage? Obviously, you are seeking something better, and you don’t care if it wears a dress, a jockstrap or a strap-on.  Bisexuality should be your new identity, it will double your chances of happiness, I say stick to the actors, because they can be whatever you want them to be. As to your wife, nine years is a good run, just move on, you clearly need to switch from an all-fish diet to a beef and fish diet. Also, you will save a fortune by not having to buy all that Chapstick.   Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are engaged to be married soon, but we live (and will continue to live) in separate cities. We are in our mid-50s with children, and it's the second marriage for each of us.

My fiance isn't very verbal about his desires, but we talk with each other every day and we live together about half the time. I want to make sure he isn't lonely and isn't wanting more when we're apart, but I'm not an openly sexual person, and I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable engaging in video chat intimacy with him. I have raised the topic with him. He suggested I write to you and see what you suggest. -- LONG-DISTANCE WIFE-TO-BE

DEAR LONG-DISTANCE WIFE-TO-BE: Your future husband is way ahead of you on the video intimacy idea, he has likely been beating his man meat like a mongoloid on mescaline for years.  He isn’t verbal about is desires because they are being met by his own hands, something you could never replace.

The fact that you want to send him “intimate” videos of yourself, a fading 50+ “non-openly sexual” divorced female will be like asking him to stare into the sun for 8 hours, he will come out of it confused, half blind, and having no desire to ever open his eyes again. Your only real hope is each time you’re together to put out like his porn whores, and maybe, just maybe, this marriage will actually take place.  Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: My bride of two months, whom I love dearly, is very negative every time we try to make a plan. Whether it be traveling or house projects, she puts roadblocks in the way. Nothing gets accomplished, so I let her take the lead, and then nothing happens. She reads her book and does nothing. If I start a project after waiting to see if she's going to do something, she wants to throw a monkey wrench in my project. What do I do? -- STUCK IN PLACE IN FLORIDA

DEAR STUCK IN PLACE IN FLORIDA:  Sounds like a world record honeymoon phase ended just 8 weeks after this psychotic controlling twat-a-holic said “I do!”  Your best bet is to simply start smoking cigarettes, and then in a week or two have all your shit packed and tell her “Honey, I’m going out for a pack of smokes.”  In no time you will be coughing a lot, but also just plain happy.

Good Luck and Keep in Touch With Yourself! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com 

 

DEAR ABBY: Out of nowhere, my husband announced he thinks we should unfriend each other on Facebook. I got upset and told him it would make me feel insecure about us, because I think there is no reason for it. I find it very suspicious, and if there is a reason, I think we should split up. He unfriended me anyway. He called me closed-minded and said I value Facebook over our marriage. Is he right? -- SOCIAL MEDIA-MINDED IN GEORGIA

DEAR SOCIAL MEDIA-MINDED IN GEORGIA: Your relationship is completely whacked if Facebook is dictating your marital status. I’d love to know the real inside scoop on your Re-Fucking-Tarded marriage, does your husband wear a Zuckerberg mask to bed when he “friends your brains out” after a few too many digital cocktails? I did a search for ‘Nut-Job Wives Who Need Mental Intervention’ groups on Facebook, there are many to choose from, just don’t write to me when their members unfriend you too.

Good Luck and Keep in Touch With Yourself! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com 

DEAR ABBY: I am 36, still single and depressed about it. I recently met someone who seemed perfect. He has his own place with laundry facilities, and his job is the kind where he doesn't have a bunch of other people in his life. So when he asked me over, I went. I thought because our friends and family were similar, his values would be, too. I expected he would want to get to know me and have a conversation, but he went right for kissing. I'm so disappointed. Then he told me he doesn't want a relationship! Why did he do that? Why do they want to kiss but then not have a relationship? Does he prefer to sit home each night alone and enjoy someone only on Saturdays? What IS that?

I want someone all the time in my life, like a married couple has. My parents are still together. They had a few problems along the way, but they are still together. Why are the men I meet not marriage material? -- ON WRONG PATH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ON WRONG PATH IN PENNSYLVANIA: Men are simple, you should have let him hump your brains out and you’d probably be married today with your own few problems along the way. I guess the real disappointment is that you’ll never be able to use the laundry facilities. 

Good Luck and Keep in Touch With Yourself! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I are super close. I consider her my best friend. My brother, not so much. He ignores my texts and calls, and I know of any news about him only via our mom. My parents divorced when we were very young. When my father passed recently, he left me a decent-sized inheritance, and my brother $500.00. (They were estranged.) I took the inheritance and the equity in my house, bought a new one, and need to finance only a small amount to remodel.

Mom doesn't understand why I didn't share my inheritance with my brother and says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I am excited about my upcoming move and the furniture shopping and remodeling. It's killing me that I can't talk to my best friend about it. I tried explaining that giving money to my brother would be taken out of my loan, which I would have to repay with interest. She doesn't want to hear it. Can you give me some advice? -- MISSING MY BESTIE IN ARIZONA

DEAR MISSIING MY BESTIE IN ARIZONA: Your father left you lots of money and completely dissed your brother, and rather than doing the right thing you decided to keep it all so you could upgrade your home and life and now want everyone around you to not think you are a self-centered twat? That’s asking a lot.  Your bestie and your brother are probably besties now, probably hanging out together making fun of you and your new found wealth. Why don’t you keep the magic going, find a nice homeless couple to join you on your remodeling and furniture shopping adventures.  When you finish just drop them off at the shelter and go back to your new home and get used to wander about talking to yourself.

Good Luck and Keep in Touch With Yourself! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com 

  As to your furniture and remodeling adventures, well, why don’t you find a nice homeless couple to join you on your shopping spree, and when you finish drop them off at the shelter, and whatever you do, DO NOT SHARE YOUR NEW FOUND WEALTH.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a man I'll call "Ed" for 15 years. We are seniors, but he is 17 years older than I am. I have three children from a previous marriage who are grown and on their own. I think my husband is gay but never came out of the closet. He watches gay porn and once confessed to me he had a fantasy about another man. For the last 10 years, he has refused to have sex and is always making excuses ("I'm old," "I'm tired," "Tomorrow"). I crave love and intimacy. Ed is cold, distant and a loner. He refuses to travel or do anything for fun. He's well-off financially, never had kids and is a good provider. However, that is all he does. I want to leave him, but I feel guilty because of his age and because he has been a responsible provider over the years. I love him as a person, but not as a husband. Please advise. -- DEPRESSED AND STUCK IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DEPRESSED AND STUCK IN PENNSYLVANIA:  If Ed is so gay why have you waited around for 10 years? Did you think he would just wake up one day and blurt out  “boy I could sure use a big set of hooters, a warm vagina,” or maybe he will have a sudden need to go shopping and to discuss celebrity lifestyles? Snap out of it Linda Love-Less, Ed has been dreaming of cowboys with fat cocks riding his rectum like a pink rodeo. If you crave love and intimacy, get yourself a dog or a lover, Ed won’t care, unless of course your lover shows up on horse.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a rule of etiquette for changing seats in a bar setting? I enjoy going out to eat occasionally and, when I do, I like to sit at the bar and eat while having a drink. It seems lately, more often than not, I'm asked to move down a seat or two to accommodate another two or three people. Depending on my mood, I may or may not do it. Since this happens to me quite frequently, I am declining more and more often. Either way, I think it's rude to ask a stranger to move just so the other party can have enough seats. By the way, I have moved out of courtesy if I am not eating, but to ask me to move while I'm eating is unacceptable. Your thoughts? -- IN PLACE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR IN PLACE IN KENTUCKY: Bar seating is always a first come first serve situation, and if there are seating issues the bartender will bring them to your attention. However, you sound like an obstinate prick and a cry-baby, obviously without any friends who likes taking your loser-ness out on couples and groups wanting to sit next to each other.  I wonder how many friendly groups of people you offended between the time you wrote this letter and today!

Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 18 years. It's a second marriage for both of us. He cheated on his ex with me. Soon after we were married, he told me that, given the chance, he would cheat on me, but that I shouldn't worry because no really pretty woman would ever want him.

Six years into our marriage, I needed to find something on his phone and saw he had signed up on a dating website for married people looking to cheat. We went to counseling. He said he wasn't planning on following through; he just wanted to see what was out there. Not long afterward, I noticed he had checked a website for dating foreign women, but he needed a credit card, so he gave up. Off to counseling again. I told him that was strike two.

Last month, I went on vacation with my daughter. Last week, he accidentally deleted something on his phone and asked me to find it. What I also found were emails from women offering their services, all of them sent while I was away. ("Send money, I'll send more titillating photos.") He claims he didn't ask for them. There are eight or 10. My question: Is this strike three? -- FOOLISH LADY IN MARYLAND

DEAR FOOLISH LADY IN MARYLAND: Two things are going on that you may be too selfish to see or understand: 1) your husband needs to feel like he is still in the game, and needs something new and exciting 2) you are both lying cheaters from the get-go, so you don’t get to take the “poor me” stance as a victim, especially since he has not actually locked crotches and swapped gravy with some other dopey female as of yet.  So, forget counseling, obviously your husband is not getting what he needs or wants from you, because rather than fulfilling his sexual desires and manly needs you are too busy trying to make sure you get to say “three strikes you’re out!” I say drop 20 pounds, buy something sexy, and when he not looking, strap on a dildo and give him something new and exciting. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com 

DEAR ABBY: My daughter married her second husband in 2004. Because I was having cancer treatments with all the side effects, I didn't go to her wedding. Fast-forward to 2011. My granddaughter (her daughter) got married two weeks after I had another cancer surgery. I missed that milestone, too, and both of them hold this against me! My daughter told me she would crawl on her belly to go to HER daughter's or granddaughter's wedding.

I have never met my great-granddaughter or my granddaughter's husband, and she hasn't spoken to me in almost 10 years. I don't understand why. Am I wrong to think they are unreasonable, or should I have dragged myself to the weddings anyway? They have never asked how I am doing healthwise, despite the fact I had heart surgery for a double aortic aneurysm and aortic valve replacement two years ago.

My daughter recently told me she has tried very hard to have a relationship with me. I blurted out, "When?" Abby, what's your take? -- KICKED WHEN DOWN IN TEXAS

DEAR KICKED WHEN DOWN IN TEXAS:  There is far more going on here than you are reporting. I suspect you have someone playing a violin 24/7 behind you while you move about slowly because of your cancer and heart problems seeking all the empathy the world will give, and everyone is tired of it. I think we both know you could have attended both weddings but chose not to, because you need the spotlight on you and your health issues. If you really want to be in their lives, grab your portable IV, your medical team, and your violinist, and catch a ride on the next MediVac chopper heading to reality.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my second wife for 10 years. Most everything is fine, but we have one area of conflict.  It is regarding her daughter, my stepdaughter, who has grown from a cute little 9-year-old into a beautiful 19-year-old. The problem is her attire around the house. She routinely wears a sports bra and panties around the house (around me). I find it distracting, to say the least.  I have discussed it with her mother, but she sees nothing wrong with it, probably because she dresses pretty much the same way. I can’t get my wife to understand that what might be OK for her is inappropriate for her daughter. What should I do? By the way, I have never said or done anything inappropriate, but I find myself taking a look at her more often than I should. Help!  -- STEPDAD WHO SEES IN TEXAS

DEAR STEPDAD WHO SEES IN TEXAS: Since the age of consent in Texas is 17, we salute you for being so patient. Your stepdaughter is not a blood relative, she is a ripe, cockteasing, future slut second wife (like her mom) who knows precisely what she is doing strutting past you each day in her chase me fuck me outfits. If your wife has no problem with it, and your stepslut has no problem with it, I think it may be time for Mr. Boner to make an appearance to see if this is a sex show or just a peep show.  If Mr. Boner’s appearance is not met with a shriek and running from the room, then you my friend have entered the Pornhub Zone. Road sign up ahead “Fuck City” next exit. 

Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com 

DEAR ABBY: I’m a gay man who has been in a relationship with “Jake” for 42 years. We have had many difficult relationship challenges, but we have always stayed together and recently got married. Our current issue is the thermostat. Jake is cold when the temperature in the summer is set lower than 75 degrees. I suggest he use more covers or clothes to stay warm since I cannot do anything more than throw off all the covers and lie there sweating. He insists I'm being unreasonable for wanting to have a cooler bedroom. I know sleep experts recommend sleeping temperatures in the 60-degree range. I can deal with warmer temps than that, but 75 is hot! How can I communicate that he can cover up to be comfortable, while I cannot uncover any more? -- HOT IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR HOT IN SOUTH CAROLINA: You know advice columns are to help others who read columns and can relate to both the questions and answers, right?  You two semen slurpers seeking advice on room temperature during your late-night elderly queer cuddling episodes does not necessarily interest our readers. So next time you seek advice, you should focus on real problems facing aging queens in the bedroom, like how to stuff a wet noodle into a worn-out balloon knot.

Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: I play pickleball with a nice group of people. Partners normally split after each game. One day, however, a woman told me I was her favorite partner. From that day on, she played with me as often as possible, even though she could have chosen partners who were better players than me, and won more games.

Abby, she is the most attractive woman I have ever met, and not just physically — she’s smart, friendly, athletic, caring, supportive and really fun to play with. I’m not used to having women like her pay attention to me, and it feels great. She’s married, but I can’t help having a crush on her, a feeling I’m pretty sure is not mutual — and therefore not appropriate — yet I think about her all the time.

How can I get over this feeling? Should I tell her I have a crush on her, which would probably drive her away? Should I quit being her partner? Or should I just keep everything the same and hope the attraction gradually fades? I love playing with her, and I don’t want to stop. — BIG CRUSH IN NEW YORK

DEAR BIG CRUSH IN NEW YORK: If a babe-A-licious tells you that you are her favorite partner and she refuses to play with anyone else, even though you suck, I wouldn’t worry about her being married.  She is definitely both able and willing and clearly interested in both your balls and your pickle, so why don’t you stop you girly-man crush nonsense, read between the lines, push her up against the net, and give her the good shellacking she is so desperately in need of.

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DEAR ABBY: How do I deal with guests and friends who make unfortunate comments about personal belongings in my home? For example, I have a favorite print of a woman seated at a table. A friend commented, “Oh, we used to call her Mrs. Potato Head.” About my beautiful handwoven table runner depicting sliced fruit, a guest said, “Oh, those look like women’s private parts!” I also display a beautiful statue of the three Graces, which I inherited from my beloved mother. Another friend piped up, “Oh, the three lesbians!” They have stolen the joy I had about the pieces. I can no longer look at these treasures without being reminded of those stupid, thoughtless remarks, and so I had to get rid of them. What do I do if this happens again, or how do I prevent it? -- PROUD OF POSSESSIONS IN MAINE

DEAR PROUD OF POSSESSIONS IN MAINE: It sounds like you are so proud of your ugly shit you are missing the fact that most of it is so ridonkulous guests of all ages and backgrounds can’t help but to make fun of them! You have heard of the old adage “There is no accounting for taste?” well I think it applies to your situation.  As to the fact that you are so sensitive about your ugly paintings, lesbo statues and vagina filled table runners that you allowed your wise-ass guests and friends to force you to get rid of them, well that just shows how desperate you are to please others rather than just enjoying the hideous crap you love to buy and display. You need to lighten up or keep your friends and guests out of your house of comedic horrors and away from your “treasures.”

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old female in a situationship with a 46-year-old married man. He tells me he's going to leave his wife when his daughter graduates, which is in two months. He wants to move me to his state, but my family isn't supportive, so I would like an outside opinion. -- CONTEMPLATING IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONTEMPLATING IN FLORIDA:  “Situationship,” a relationship built on lies, hopes and false promises The only state you should move to is the state of reality, you know it, it’s located between you sitting in an apartment somewhere waiting for your aging boyfriend to come over so he can have sex with you and then go back to his wife, and you wondering why things aren’t working out while the friends your age are going to college and starting their lives and having fun while you get more and more frustrated, and depressed because you don’t want to crawl back to your unsupportive family.  Do you need directions?

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 54-year-old gay man who has spent his life making decisions with everyone else in mind. Every decision, life choice, relationship and career move has been based on how I'm perceived by friends and family.

Currently, I'm living with my ex in my home. I'd like to live alone, but I feel responsible for his security. When I think about telling him I want to live separately, I feel like I'm letting him down. If I move, my family then has opinions on where I should live so I will stay in proximity to them. Also, we share dogs and I'm afraid if we split up the pack, I'm letting the dogs down.

All of this pressure results in me doing nothing. I have been drinking more to shut out the noise. I have considered giving up alcohol, but that will also disappoint many in my family because they like to drink. Please help me! -- GUILTY GUY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GUILTY IN MICHIGAN Was your decision to take it up the ass a decision you made with everyone else in mind? Bahahaha! You are a weak-minded jellyfish who needs to stop worrying about what others think, and start focusing on things you enjoy, like penis, testicles, semen, and ball room dancing. You want to stop the noise?... why don’t you take your head out of your ass, or, in your case, the ferret, and start living for yourself.  Also, definitely stay on the booze, it will help when you tell your family to fuck-off and when you flee in the dead of night with all the dogs.

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together more than 20 years. Our relationship grew stale over time, and a couple of years ago, she decided to leave me. However, over the few years, even though she has had several lovers, we have started to get close again.

The problem is, I really love her and want her back as my girlfriend, but she sees this as a casual relationship, which leaves me feeling hurt. For example, she doesn't see a problem with having a long conversation with another lover while she's at my house. When she realizes that I'm hurt, she gets exasperated and says she feels like she has to "walk on eggshells" around me. Is it me? Is there a path forward? -- STRANGE SITUATION IN FLORIDA

DEAR STRANGE SITUATION IN FLORIDA: Your wife dumped you after 20 years and has added you to her list of “several lovers,” and now you want her back? Unless you are fat, bald, covered in burns, bound to wheelchair and have perpetual bad gas you should dump that cockaholic and move on, in any direction. 

Where are your Man-ers? (traits that allow you to stand up proudly as a man, not a pussy-whipped girly-man) Your girlfriend is clearly not a one-man gal, she likes to sling that furry lap flounder around like a drunken pole-dancer in a crowd of $100 bill spewing Saudi businessmen. The path forward? Yes, any broad that looks in your direction will be better choice than hoping your ex will give up her penis-gobbling lifestyle for a “hurt” sissy like you.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 45 years old, but am told I look much younger. I don’t work but keep the house in order and do most of the chores. The problem is my husband “Tom” of 10 years refuses to take me anywhere or have sex because he says I don’t shower enough for him and I do not “dress for success” when I leave the house.  He constantly tells me I look dirty, and dress like a bum! The truth is that I do shower, just not every day and when I leave the house I like to wear comfortable clothing like sweatpants and t-shirts.

Why should I shower every day, do my hair and dress up just to go to the supermarket?  I suspect he may be having an affair and all his complaints about me are his way of blaming me.  Should I confront him or wait for the other shoe to drop? - WAITING IN ALABAMA

DEAR WAITING IN ALABAMA: What other shoe to drop, the announcement of his affair, or that you will finally take a shower and put adult clothes on? You sound like a lazy housewife making excuses yourself,  but want us to believe you are merely a victim of a bad husband? I don’t buy it. If all you do in life is sit around waiting for your husband to come home and shop you should at least be clean and properly dressed.

By the tone of your letter and your admitted lack of bathing and preferred attire, you don’t sound like you would be attractive to anyone who is not currently in prison. I think it is safe to assume you have skid-marks in your underwear and your lady-parts probably smell like the door on a tuna boat.  Let’s face it, your disgusting ways have pushed Tommy Boy right into the arms of any broad who wears perfume and doesn’t wear sweats in public.  Here is an idea, rather than waiting for the “other shoe to drop,” why don’t you pretend it was a bar of soap that dropped, all you have to do now is pick it up and throw your sweats out on your way to the shower.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband lies to me all the time. It could be about spending money or something as small as forgetting to start the dishwasher. He nearly went too far with a woman from work. I finally spoke up after I felt it was an emotional affair. His response? "Well, you and I weren't getting along, so I didn't see anything wrong with it."

He doesn't seem to be sorry for anything he does. He says the word "sorry" a lot, but there is no remorse. He also lies to the people he works with. I know I enable him because I threaten to leave and never follow through. I have asked him to talk with a counselor, but he refuses.

I'm not sure why I stay because he doesn't act like he wants me to be around. He's obsessed with video games and doesn't act like he respects me. What should I do? Why do I feel I deserve to be treated like this? -- FEELING LIKE MRS. STUPID

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old housewife with a loving husband, a caring mother and equally supportive in-laws. I'm writing because I feel useless. I don't even have a hobby I'm good at. Although I like to play music, draw and play with cats, I don't think I'm good at any of them, despite others telling me otherwise.

My friends and family are better off than I am. My friend is participating in a skating competition, my brother is working toward becoming an electrician, and my husband's first cousin is an illustrator whose book recently got published. Because of this, I have developed low self-esteem and argue with those around me.

I can't afford college because I have no job. I tried applying for a few only to be turned down. Abby, I haven't accomplished anything special. All I want is to be good at something, but I'm afraid it will blow up in my face. I can't accept criticism.

I'm at a loss about what to do. I'm ready to give up on everything. Why should I keep trying when I know I will get the same bad results? -- TALENTLESS IN OHIO

DEAR TALENTLESS IN OHIO:  Someone call the waaaahmbulance!  No one likes a whiney twat who sits around playing music, drawing pictures and playing with her cat who screams poor me “I have no talent!”  You are not a total loss, clearly you are very talented at being a useless person who sucks the life out of every room you enter by opening that pie-hole and spewing your negativity to anyone within earshot. I only wish you had “given up on everything” prior to writing for advice.

There is a famous adage: “Those without ambition shall never meet disappointment.”  Basically, what that means translated for stupid people like yourself is to get off your miserable, useless, lazy (and probably fat) ass go get a job, volunteer for something or figure out how to pay for college. You are 29 years old, this is America for fucks sake, not some third world shithole, there are opportunities for anyone with half a brain and a modicum of desire, although I am not sure if you meet either of those qualifications.

Now is the time to stop playing music, drawing pictures and playing with your pussy

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DEAR ABBY: While I work 12-hour night shifts at a hospital, my husband sometimes invites his co-workers and friends over. He likes to hang out with a crowd. (I prefer to keep my circle of friends tight.) I don't usually mind. It's a weekday, and my husband has to work the next day (six days a week usually), and he gets our three kids to bed on time.

Recently, my 10-year-old daughter told me that while I was working, she saw them with a tube on the counter and they were sniffing things. She also said the wife of one of my husband's friends came over and that they were making out on the couch and then moved to her bedroom, where they made out. She said she was afraid to tell me sooner because she didn't want her dad to yell at her.

I am livid. Words cannot express how furious this makes me. I don't understand how he could put our kids in this situation. I can't help but wonder what else has transpired while I'm at work. How do I discuss this with him without losing it completely and throwing him out? -- LIVID IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LIVID IN CALIFORNIA: So your husband gets your three kids to bed on time while you work 12 hour shifts, and you’re complaining he has a few friends over?  You sound like a real whiner, perhaps you should take some Midol, curl up on the couch with a half-gallon of Häagen-Dazs and stop worrying your little head over this silly stuff. 

My advice: maybe if you didn’t prefer a tight circle of friends you could embrace your husband’s co-workers and friends, loosen up a little, and you too could turn into a retarded coke head and bang strangers in the marital bed while your 10 year old daughter watches. It may seem like strange advice, but, then again I like to stay up all night drinking Tequila, watching COPS reruns, and crying during the Sarah McLachlan dying dogs commercials.

Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Lia" and her husband, "Jerry," visited his mother and stepdad, "Gil," a few months ago. Gil gave Lia an inappropriate hug, with his hand sliding to her buttocks. Lia said Gil had done this before and it made her uncomfortable. She told Jerry, and he began watching his stepdad closely when they visited.

Recently, my family and I visited Jerry's parents. Gil gave me a hug around my back, and then slid his hand down my back and grabbed my buttock with a quick squeeze! His wife was standing in front of us when he did it. I looked at her in shock. She looked down at the floor and then at me, expressionless. After I told my daughter what he had done, she told me he had done it to her as well.

My son-in-law wants to tell his mother he doesn't feel comfortable leaving his young daughters at their house. I know Lia and I should have said something when it happened, but we were caught off guard and didn't call him on it. How do you think this should be handled? -- CAUGHT OFF GUARD

DEAR CAUGHT OFF GUARD: So “Gil” is an Ass-Man, loves the Ass-Play, is that what you are concerned about?  Some men like legs, some men like breasts, some men like little boys in the church basement.  Gil may not consider his hugs and Ass-Grabs as inappropriate since no one has called him out on it, I would suggest you let him know that running his hands all over girls’ asses as part of a friendly greeting could lead to a gasp, a slap, or if the girls are really young, a shallow-grave burial.  Someone could also press charges, and while the old Gil~ster sits in jail waiting to be bailed out he might just bump into a fellow Ass-Man, but will probably experience a whole different level of inappropriate Ass-Play!

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DEAR ABBY: Our son and his wife were visiting with us in our living room. While we were talking, his wife picked up her cellphone and several times initiated texts during their brief visit. My spouse and I think it was rude, but we haven't said anything to them. Should we? We would prefer that everybody be fully present during the short time we're together. During a prior visit at our house, I asked her a question. As she was about to answer me, her cellphone buzzed. She got up, made a phone call and left the room for a while. Her call wasn't an emergency; it was just to chat. We thought that was rude, too.What, if anything, should we say or do? She makes frequent texts and phone calls when we visit them. Are the rules different at their house? -- PERPLEXED DAD IN TEXAS

DEAR PERPLEXED DAD IN TEXAS:  I’m sorry, what were you saying?..I was texting my parents that I am not coming over this weekend because I hate them!

But seriously folks, you cannot see what is glaringly obvious to the rest of us, your daughter-in-law finds your company droll, boring and uninspiring, I know by the tone of your “poor me” letter that I do too! The fact that you prefer everyone be “fully present” during your visits is beyond antiquated, your silly outdated situational requirements are probably so off-putting that most everyone prefers two hours of novocaine free dentist visits to visits with you.  So why don’t you

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DEAR ABBY: I am struggling with an invisible illness and losing patience with friends, family and acquaintances. I'm working with doctors to manage my conditions, and I'm tired of all the suggestions and seemingly positive comments I'm hearing, like, "You can do it; just put your mind to it!" I am seeing a therapist to help with the emotional stress, and even they are trying to armchair diagnose me and question my knowledge of specific vitamins, probiotics and treatments. Some of these folks mean well, but others I suspect are strongly hinting that I'm making it all up. I'm not even sure what my question is. A polite way to shut people down would be helpful. Please make your readers aware that not every illness is visible. -- STRUGGLING IN THE EAST

DEAR STRUGGLING IN THE EAST:  I have a hard time providing advice on invisible issues, call me crazy, but I tend to stick to visible, real, diagnosed, and legitimate issues.  I love your statement “I’m not even sure what my question is!” Since you are invisible what do you see in the mirror, is it you or do you see a crazy person riding a unicorn through a valley of sprinkles and ice cream?  If I am being honest, you very may be making this all up, but since you are bat-shit crazy you probably don’t even know it!  So rather than struggle reading this response, why don’t you just sit back on your sofa, turn on The Cartoon Network and finish off that glass pipe filled with your favorite meth, fentanyl, crack and hash oil cocktail that has provided the basis for your scrambled brain and your invisible illness.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have been married seven years. I was celibate before we met and thrilled to have a partner I respected and was attracted to. Our sex life seemed normal and exciting with lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Recently, I caught him on a phone sex call and then discovered he visits sex chat rooms. I'm devastated. I feel betrayed and angry that my trust has been violated. After several attempts to lie, he finally admitted the truth, but said it was a "recent" thing -- which was even more insulting!

My therapist says men don't suddenly take up phone sex and pornography in their 70s. When I shared that with my husband, he revealed it wasn't "as often" in the past. He swears he loves me and will get help, but I can't imagine how I can trust him again. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any further, other than taking some online classes dealing with porn addiction. Our relationship has always been cordial and friendly and that continues, though I'm no longer willing to have sex at this time. My impulse is to bolt. I'm too old to deal with this nonsense, and I just want to live the rest of my life in peace. What do you think? -- THROWN IN KANSAS

DEAR THROWN IN KANSAS: Well, Granny, first things first, you describe a normal sex life as “lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day,” whereas men would describe a normal sex life as “banging my bitch wife three days a week and then hooking up with my side piece on weekends.”  Your therapist hit in on the head, “hubby did not suddenly take up porn in his 70s.” Your new husband is a sex addicted pussy hound, obviously a character flaw you did not seem to pick up on prior to your geriatric wedding day.  And now you are no longer willing to have sex with him?  Now that’s funny!  If you bolt, you may regret it, you would be better served, serving him. Perhaps using your mouth on him, I refer here to a non-speaking role with your mouth, also known as sloppy, and frequent blow jobs while he mentally connects to his favorite travel spot, signpost: City of Pornhub Just Ahead. 

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DEAR ABBY: Throughout the year, the department in which I work recognizes each employee's birthday with a cake -- except me. I have worked here for two years, and while my supervisor writes my birthday on a calendar that hangs in the front office, each year my birthday has come and gone without even a verbal acknowledgement. I watch as all the other employees in my department have their special day recognized with a cake brought in by the department supervisor.

I'm wondering why I was even asked when my birthday is and why it was written down if no mention is even made of it? My co-workers are all friendly with me, and I have never gotten the impression that I'm not liked, but I can't help but wonder if something I have done has caused this. If this isn't something that is done for everyone, then it shouldn't be done at all. Am I just being immature because my feelings are hurt by this? Would you say anything in a situation like this? I would appreciate your feedback and advice. -- EXCLUDED IN ALABAMA

DEAR EXCLUDED IN ALABAMA: Well, right off the top a few things come to mind, as birthday cake celebrations at work are concerned, I assume you either work at a a big cartoon chocolate factory or you are mentally unstable and work in one of those special needs factories that turns out “retard made” products you find at every Dollar store.  Either way, I think you are far more delirious than simply assuming people like you, let’s face it, you have been there two whole birthday years and the only cake you get to eat is that prepared and presented to the well-liked employees.  But, seriously, your feelings should be hurt, and the next time there is a birthday party perhaps you should throw one of your co-workers into a big dangerous factory machine, this way they will always remember that this birthday party was ALL ABOUT YOU!

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DEAR ABBY: A guy at work, "Leon," is my age, very friendly and down-to-earth. When we've worked together, we have had great conversations, and he has told me a lot about his girlfriend who he's been with for years. I feel guilty knowing this because Leon is having an affair with a girl here at work who's almost a decade his junior, and they've started getting very brazen about it.

He tells people he's tempted by her but would not cross the line. The girl, however, tells very different, detailed and personal stories about their rendezvous. I'm not friends with Leon on Facebook, but I looked at his profile to read a tribute to his recently lost friend and saw his girlfriend's name, and I'm tempted to reach out.

This woman doesn't know me, but I know that at my age, if my boyfriend of three years was messing around at work and everybody knew but me, I'd be livid at them almost as much as I would be at him. As someone who has been cheated on before, I feel I have a duty to his girlfriend because I wouldn't want to waste another second in the dark or with a cheater.

Then again, since Leon and his plaything aren't subtle, do you think I should approach him instead and ask if he's still with his girlfriend or if she knows about the mistress? I've always thought honesty was the best policy and straightforwardness got the most honest answers. Any advice would be much appreciated. -- WITNESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WITNESS IN VIRGINIA: Oh, you like honesty?  Here is some: mind your own fucking business, and since you are clearly without a boyfriend or husband “at your age,” you might want to focus on that rather than Leon and his office cock-slinging shenanigans with the slut of the week.  I know why your boyfriend cheated on you, he probably got fed up with your dime-dropping, snitch-bitching, facebook-stalking self-imposed duty to stick your fat nose in everyone’s business.  Why don’t you stick your fat nose in a self-help book, before it’s too late to become a polite, mature work mate. You also might think about changing your disposition for the mere sake of that dried-up lap flounder that hasn’t had anything but a COSTCO magic wand next to you in bed since Obama was in office.

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DEAR ABBY: I recently started talking to this guy from my past. I really like him. We've been off and on for a year now because we both had things in our lives that needed attention first (i.e., my bipolar depression and seeking counseling).

Anyway, my best friend has threatened to remove me from her life if I pursue a relationship with him. On one hand, this guy makes me feel like I'm on fire -- in a good way, of course. But, on the other hand, I don't want to lose my best friend. What do I do? -- HARD CHOICE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR HARD CHOICE IN ILLINOIS: If your best friend threatens to remove you from her life, she may not be your best friend.  But then again, you are bi-polar and depressed so no matter what happens you will not be satisfied, or will you?  On the other hand, most of what happens today won’t matter tomorrow since you change your mind every few minutes.  I would play the bi-polar card and pretend you thought your girlfriend said she was excited for you, I mean, she knows you are a mental nut-job so she can’t blame you for the confusion.  Also, as far y

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 56-year-old man who has been with a great guy, age 50, for 20 years. We were married two years ago. He's a professor; I'm a clinician. We have spent the last 20 years building a beautiful life advancing our careers, traveling to 80 countries, wining and dining in the best places in the world and cultivating long-lasting friendships with people all over the planet.

Five years ago, I felt a sense of emptiness in spite of our happiness and talked to him about children. He was adamantly opposed. I let it go, but now that emptiness is tearing me up inside. I am at the point of giving up my life with him to have a child on my own via adoption or IVF with a surrogate. His biggest issue is how his comfortable life will be changed forever. My issue is getting those last few drops of unfulfilled happiness before it's too late. Please advise. -- HAPPY BUT INCOMPLETE

DEAR HAPPY BUT INCOMPLETE: Your ball gargling boyfriend is a self-centered queen, it’s better he stays away from children, especially boys!  My advice to you is to stay away from adopting, the world does not need another confused child with two fathers. If you are looking for a “last few drops” of unfulfilled happiness try helping the needy, the homeless, the aged, or volunteer at some silly dog shelter. Don’t worry, there is plenty of time left for a 56 year old to find true love in the ass of a new man.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR ABBY: I became engaged to a wonderful man five months ago. We have set a wedding date for next year. I'm ecstatic -- thrilled to be planning such an important milestone in my life. I'm the youngest of five girls. Four of us are extremely close. Three of my sisters have graciously offered to help with the wedding planning and preparation. I have included them in my bridal party -- matron of honor, two bridesmaids, and two of my teenage nieces as junior bridesmaids.

There's one big issue: My parents and two of my sisters insist that I include my oldest sister, "Iris," in my bridal party even though she has a mental illness (schizophrenia). She is medicated, but still speaks to her "voices." I love her, but I don't find it appropriate to include her in my wedding.

My matron of honor is supportive and agrees it would be unwise. However, my remaining family is guilt-tripping me because Iris missed out on two of my sisters' weddings due to being in a psychiatric facility. She lives with my retired parents now and requires care and supervision. Am I wrong for not wanting to risk including her on my big day? -- FUTURE BRIDE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR FUTURE BRIDE IN KENTUCKY: If your nut-job sister is out of the looney bin you should allow her to attend, perhaps she can bring John Hinckley as her date.  But seriously, just because your sister is a schizo does not mean she cannot come to a wedding, just put her at her own table and make sure you have place settings for each of the voices in her head as well as all the people out to get her. Worst case scenario she entertains, sings, dances, and gets into fights with her inner demons.  Wait, please tell me it’s not an Irish wedding, because that would be redundant.

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DEAR ABBY: Although my husband and I are no longer in a romantic relationship, we are what I call "life partners." After cancer left him impotent, he rejected any physical affection at all. I had an extramarital affair which lasted four years. My boyfriend passed away last year. I have no desire to be physically involved with my husband, but I do miss being affectionate and in a romantic (not necessarily

I feel empty, and I'm not sure if we should be considering divorce or continue in our day-to-day routine of being socially close but otherwise distant. We no longer share the same bedroom and we touch each other rarely. He has recently become more verbally and emotionally abusive during arguments, which may be the result of his recently reconnecting with his felon brother who had assaulted his wife. I'm not sure what direction to go. -- HOPELESS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HOPELESS IN PENNSYLVANIA:  If you ever get re-married make sure you wedding vows add the following clause “Till Death To Us Part, Unless My Husband Gets Cancer and his Dick No Longer Works then it’s okay to get a little tube-steak on the side!” I love the way you blame his verbal abuse on his brother, “the felon.”  Denial is a very long river in Egypt, it definitely has nothing to do with you, your neglect, or your cheating.  If you “feel empty” perhaps you could fill your life with helping others in need and feeling gratified, rather than filling your life with strange cock and feeling satisfied. |||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for close to a year, and in this short time I've seen a side of my wife I've never seen before. Although I met her during a period of sobriety, she drinks now. The problem is what she does when she drinks. On one occasion, she was supposed to go to the market and return on foot. Instead I found her in a car with a stranger, drinking and high. She claimed it was too cold to walk and she was just trying to keep warm.

On another occasion, she got drunk and had a male friend with whom she'd been intimate in the past pick her and all her belongings up and left me watching her drive away with him. She later called apologizing profusely from a different man's apartment begging me to pick her up. I could go on and on with similar scenarios, but my letter would be too long.

Her latest is when she told me she put a "code" on her phone so I couldn't find out where she had been. (She had really just turned off location sharing on her phone.) She says she loves me with all her heart and there's no one else, but I find it very hard to believe. Am I the world's biggest, dumbest doormat for not divorcing her? (I can't just turn off my love for her.) -- SUCKER OUT WEST

DEAR SUCKER OUT WEST:  You sound like a very intelligent man, just kidding, you are a world-class moron.  Your loving bride has a disease called acute Sipenfuck.  Every time she takes a sip of booze she finds a cute guy to fuck.  In your case, Sipenfuck can only be cured by keeping your booze and cock hound off the sauce, anything short of that and she may end up overdosing at the local happy hour and choking on a strange piece of man-meat.  I would say that you are, indeed, the dumbest doormat and biggest sucker out west (except your whisky gargling bride of course!)

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away two years ago. I hope you can give me some advice on how to deal with my 53-year-old daughter who never left home. We generally get along well. She does freelance art, but doesn't earn much. She contributes only $30 a month. Also, she has a driving phobia, so she doesn't drive. She expects me to drive her to various places.

She only has cyber friends. She wants to travel, but doesn't want to go alone and keeps pushing me to go with her, although I don't really want to. I have suggested group tours, but she hesitates to go alone. I feel pressured to keep peace and go along with her desires. How should I handle this? -- PULLING BACK IN NEVADA

DEAR PULLING BACK IN NEVADA:  Breastfeeding your daughter for 53 years tends to create family problems.  My advice is to stand in front of the mirror and have a look at your reflection, what you are seeing is an incredibly stupid person in complete denial. If you don’t like what you see you could break the mirror, but that would add 13 years of bad luck to the 53 years you’ve already caused.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR ABBY: My strongest "love language" is physical touch. For 23 years, my husband gave hugs galore to any and every woman, but never to me. The word "never" is not an exaggeration. He has recently begun to change and try to be better. Now he does hug me as much as I want. But when he hugs other women, it still feels like a knife through my heart.

He says the hugs mean nothing to him, but I question why, if they were so insignificant, he couldn't give me even one for more than two decades? How do I get over feeling hurt when he hugs other women? Is there something wrong with my perspective on this? I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive. -- FINALLY WORTH HUGGING

DEAR FINALLY WORTH HUGGING: So you spent every day and night with your husband, meals, travel, family, sex, for 23 years but he didn’t hug you?  You are not being too sensitive, because you are mentally ill and don’t have a grip on reality.  Did you ever think that he was hugging the other women because he is a dirty pervert with sexual fantasy syndrome?  Perhaps you should reach out to all the hug recipients to see how many boners entered the equation.  Once you have a firm boner (pun intended) list you can narrow down who he was slipping the high-hard one to and really get to the bottom of your hugless marriage issues.  So for now, the language of Hugs not Drugs will get you through the day.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother and his family live out of state. They never invite my husband's parents to spend any holiday with them. In fact, they initiate no visits with them at all or travel to the area where we live. (We live in the same city as my in-laws).

My dilemma: I do not want to have my husband's parents at our house for every holiday dinner we host. My children are getting older (one is married), and we don't see them often. Sometimes I want to get together with just our immediate family, but then I feel guilty if I don't ALWAYS include the in-laws. I think my husband's brother should step up to the plate and invite his parents for at least one holiday. I don't think it's fair to expect us to always have them at our house. What do you think? -- NEEDING A BREAK IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDING A BREAK IN OHIO:  Whenever an uptight whining bitch complains about her in-laws they always seem to leave out their own parents. I bet you invited them, didn’t you?  Listen princess, if you don’t like in-laws you should never had gotten married, now all these years later you can’t just put up a no in-laws sign.  What’s two more people, come on Martha Stewart, what’s two more scoops of your lumpy mash potatoes, bitter gravy and undercooked turkey?  It looks like your husband’s brother got all the brains in the family and knows how to control his life. The only real solution to your made-up dilemma is to let your in-laws know this year’s party will be held at your out of state brother’s husband’s house, then let tell everyone you have Covid, then unplug your phone and start drinking heavily.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

DEAR ABBY: I have been in love with a man for 34 years. I was married to him once, then divorced him because of drugs. I have been remarried for eight years now, to a wonderful man who is good to me, but aloof to my needs or desires. I am not in love with him. When we talked early in the marriage about my needs, he got sullen and said he would "try." That lasted a very short time. He is focused only on his wants and needs.

Three years ago, my ex lost his mother. I contacted his brother to offer sympathy, and then my ex contacted me. We have talked and cried together. He has apologized and asked for forgiveness. He then told me he has never stopped loving me. We have met a couple of times since, and I'm having a hard time deciding what to do.

My home is more like a small office than a home. We have a business, a ministry, and I have a full-time job. I can't just pack up and leave, but in my heart I want to go back to my ex. He has been clean for three years, free from the drug-related health problems and is not going to return to that life. What do I do? -- TORN IN LOVE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TORN IN LOVE IN THE SOUTH: You entered your new marriage while still in love with your ex-husband, you presented your new husband with a list of your needs probably never asking about his, and wow eight years in you don’t love your new husband and have been banging your ex-husband.  Since you are a liar, a cheater and aa marital abuser, perhaps you should spend more time in your own Ministry spending the proceeds of your patronage helping others in need and spreading the word of god, rather than spending the proceeds on motel rooms and spreading the word of sin.  If you follow your heart your current husband will get all the money and your ex-husband will get you, which, of course, will be so stressful he will quickly get back on the drugs to ease the pain of living with you. Rinse, repeat.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Jeff" for nearly 50 years. He suddenly learned through DNA that he has a 52-year-old son. The son has visited him, and they have talked on the phone. The guy was conceived in the summer of 1970. I started seeing my husband in September of that year.

Jeff wants this man to leave him alone, and I can't deal with it either. We have three grown children, two of whom have become friends with this guy. There's no denying him. He looks more like Jeff than our son does. Evidently, the mother (who is deceased) never told him who his dad was. Are we wrong to feel this way? -- DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT

DEAR DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT: I find it hard to believe that a father wants nothing to do with a grown son he has just become aware of.  I have a sneaky suspicion you are a petty, jealous, and vindictive twat who controls your sissy husband to such a degree that he is willing to ignore his first born.  It is too bad that natural selection has not taken you off the grid and others have to stand by and suffer as they struggle to pretend they like you.  Your own kids have embraced him, and I am certain your husband wants “the guy” in his life.  Perhaps you could look at the bright side and know that because he is 52 he won’t hit you up for child support, so all the money you have been saving by serving your family mac n cheese and kool-aid for the past 50 years will be safe under your lumpy and stained mattress.  On the other hand if he does come and visit you can always club him over the head and drive him to the nearest shelter, tie him to a telephone pole and know that some family would love to take him in, treat him with respect, love and offer him a better life.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||

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DEAR MIKE CARES, HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER THIS?

DEAR ABBY: I feel uncomfortable when people end conversations with "I love you." It creeps me out when a man does it. I always thought those words were reserved for someone you are intimate with, such as a spouse or possibly one's children. Am I wrong to think "I love you" has become meaningless from overuse? Or am I just a weird guy? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS: I love your question.  I honestly would love to know a little more about you because I would really love to help. But all in all, I agree, but it all boils down to context.   If a guy says says “I love you,” you should kick him in the balls and slap his face.  If a guy says “I love you bro,” you high-five him, and maybe give him a bro hug.  If a girl says “I love you” after the first date, immediately move out of state.  If your mother says “I love you,” you are supposed to say I love you back.  If your dad or sons says it’s a little awkward…I usually just mumble “right back at you.”  If your pet says “I love you,” lay off the weed for awhile.  At this point in my life when anyone says I love you I simply reply “what’s not to love?” Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com