Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby *case of the unfaithful fan

DEAR ABBY: Do you think Dear Mike Cares is more qualified to answer your questions, and are you jealous of his success? -TRYING TO REMAIN FAITHFUL IN IOWA

DEAR TRYING TO REMAIN FAITHFUL IN IOWA: No need for jealousy, it’s simple, unlike that old hag Abby and her half-sister Ann Landers, I am an author, psychic, mathematician, lion-tamer, masseuse, doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, world-class chef, race car driver, astronomer, vintner, financial wizard, heterosexual, pugilist, politician, pathological liar, songwriter, poet, pilot, fugitive, comedian, pastor, hair stylist, alcoholic, world traveler, yoga instructor, and amateur pornographer. I have lived, loved, traveled, lost and found. I went to several colleges to study everything from marine biology to fine arts, to psychology and African studies. I have also been married several times, apparently have several children, and have lived in more than 20 countries before settling down on a small island off the coast of Argentina.  After only one month, I was arrested by the Argentina Security Ministry for importing fast food and Russian hookers, I was swiftly deported to New York City where I remain today.  On parole. In short, I am the most qualified man in the world to give advice to the millions of fucked up people who write in to complete strangers seeking help and guidance. Why do I do it?  Because, Mike Cares.  Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com