Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this Dear Abby? *the case of the geezer love birds

DEAR ABBY: I am an 80-year-old senior man who has met, texted daily and called an 80-year-old woman for the last six weeks. We both look and think young for our ages as well. We plan to have our first date on a Valentine's Day theme. It's awkward not knowing what to do when we have our first date. She says "friends first," and I agree, but we are highly compatible based on our communications.

Because our first date will be on Valentine's Day, she said she wants to see if there is chemistry. I'm conflicted about whether to give her a flower or flowers. Would it be appropriate to have a single long-stemmed rose in my car and, if she's interested in a second date or we both feel chemistry, use "The Bachelor" TV show idea of asking her if she will accept the rose for a second date? I know it may sound cliche, but I'm reluctant to take the rose to the table. Yes, some of us seniors want to be romantic, but we are still concerned about what's acceptable in today's dating world. -- UNCLEAR IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCLEAR IN THE SOUTH: First of all are you both still alive? As to flowers, for god’s sake, just buy the old bag some roses and bring them on your “friends first” date. I don’t care how old a broad is, they always like roses. As a side note, what is better than Roses on your piano? That’s right Grandpa, tulips on your organ, get it (two lips?) Ok, let’s get past this “friends first” horseshit and get on with getting it on, which probably won’t happen until your second or third date. Since you are both approximately 3 years past the average American lifespan, I think you both know it is a race against the clock to pull out your cock. So let’s prep for the third date: get your denture cream, breath spray, a bib for dining out, and a Depends diaper for the ride back to her nursing home. I think after supper it should be about 4 o’clock, so you two can cuddle up and watch some Golden Girl reruns while your Viagra makes it way through your weak heart and on down to wake up old Mr. Johnson and his shriveled up man grapes. Just hope your geriatric geezer of a girlfriend has a half gallon of Vagisil on the side table for the smoothest possible entrance. Oh, and dial “9-1” on your phone now, so you only after dial one more “1” when you both start to stroke out.

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