Dear Mike Cares, how would you answer this question?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-something bisexual man who is in a relationship with a bisexual woman the same age. We both lived different lives and dated a variety of people before we met, but now I am pretty certain she is The One. The issue arises when it comes to how others, particularly my parents and their friends, perceive us.

To us, we are two queer people who have identified as some form of queer or bisexual since we were teenagers. We have repeatedly faced backlash from conservative family members and family friends about those we are attracted to. One of my mother's best friends is extremely homophobic. She has, at various holiday parties my parents have hosted, loudly voiced her homophobic views, including how proud she was to vote against same-sex marriage.

How can I kindly explain to my mother that my girlfriend and I are not straight, and it's wrong to attach the straight label to us when we don't identify that way? Also, I want to say that I don't feel comfortable around her friend. A lot of what she talks about involves denigrating the sexuality of folks I have deep affection for.

My mother is extremely defensive about her friend. She didn't take it kindly when I told her I deserve an apology for having to sit through this woman's homophobic diatribes given that I am LGBTQ myself. We would like to be married in the next couple of years and make it a homophobia-free wedding. Can you help? -- UN-STRAIGHT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UN-STRAIGHT IN MICHIGAN: So when you are all at the next family supper you think it is relevant to let everyone know you both like hard cocks, but you also both like a soft vaginas, but currently you are each enjoying the others naturally affixed genitalia? I am not sure how that comes up in ordinary conversation, especially since you appear to be a regular couple, unless, or course, you dress like her and she like you. Why do you find it so important to let everyone know your sexual preferences and classifications, why must you force your agenda on everyone and insist they all understand and embrace it? Who really gives a shit? I find the LGTBQ community and its agenda most confusing, the amount of time and money spent on promulgating your sexual deviancy and insisting that everyone embrace it, accept it and fly a fucking rainbow flag to prove it, is a very similar movement that a few fellas named Hitler, Stalin and Kim Jong-Un are known for.

|||Good Luck, and Keep in Touch. Dear Mike Cares is also on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com |||