Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this 40 year old virgin?

DEAR MIKE CARES: I am a single man who recently turned 40. I am looking to find a wife who, like myself, has never been married and has no kids. I joined several dating websites, but most of the women are divorced or widowed or have kids.

I just discovered a new dating website for single, never married people. I'm not sure if I should join it, but having a website designed for people like me is a great idea. I have read that 25% of all Americans have never been married. Pew Research just reported a brand-new poll and millions of Americans have never been married, so I am not losing hope. Should I join? -- CONTEMPLATING IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONTEMPLATING IN FLORIDA: Why don’t you ask Pew Research what those millions of Americans have never been married?  I did my own research on why people your age have never married or had kids, and the results were not at all surprising: ugly, out of shape, complete mental cases, momma’s boys, daddy issues, stupid, broke, bad breath or just plain sexual deviants hooked on internet porn and video games.  The ones that aren’t are the desperate lost souls, like yourself. So do yourself a favor and go join a dating website for single, never married no kids people. I guarantee inside 30 days you will be back in your parent’s basement beating your meat to Pornhub and spilling your Doritos crumbs and flat beer on your worn-out Xbox controller. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com