Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this disappointed dong delver?

DEAR MIKE CARES: After years of disappointment, I finally found the man of my dreams. How do I tell him he isn't doing certain things right in the bedroom without it being uncomfortable? I have mentioned it before, but it didn't stick. This is the only problem with our relationship. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make either one of us uncomfortable, but he's just not getting the job done. WORKING ON IT IN TENNESSEE

DEAR WORKING ON IT IN TENNESSEE: Not all men have 12 inches of crotch sausage and tongues that could snatch a fly off a 12-foot branch.  The only problem in your relationship is your expectations of a pornstar-like bedroom master class each time your lap flounder twitches for attention. So, if you want to keep the “man of your dreams” and “getting the job done,” it will require a multi-pronged approach, I recommend Amazon's double-headed 20” Cock-A-Lator, it's on sale through Christmas. You can keep it on the nightstand, right next to his Sleep Apnea machine.  Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com