Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this fickle pickle queen?

DEAR MIKE CARES: I am a woman in my late 30s. I have had a few failed relationships and a marriage that ended in divorce. At one point, I juggled three lovers at a time. I like being in a committed relationship, but I have yet to be faithful to any partner I have ever dated. In my teens, I was raped by an 18-year-old guy and molested by a man who was in his 40s. I received counseling and therapy starting in my late 20s. I love the thrill of meeting someone new and learning what they want for a little while. I mimic and mirror their emotions and make them fall in love. Then I get bored and move on to the challenge of conquering the next man's heart. I don't want to continue being a cheater, but I lose interest in my lovers quickly. I crave the thrill of the chase. How can I learn to be faithful and not be so fickle in love? -- UNFAITHFUL IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNFAITHFUL IN THE SOUTH: Sounds like it was you who did the raping and then went on to gobble the cock of every counselor and therapist that tried to set you on the path of righteousness. You have what science calls Black Widow DNA, no matter how many men you chew up and spit out nothing will change. Only time kills man-eaters. Eventually you will get gray and wrinkled, your ass will droop, and that windsock of a vagina will look like a couple of elephant ears that you’ll have to stuff into your compression socks just to flirt with the only man you know you will see each day whether rain, snow, heat or gloom of night, and we both know he’s not delivering love letters. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com