Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this jealous johnson jammer?

DEAR MIKE CARES: I am a man whose long-distance boyfriend of one year has a married female best friend. (She's his boss.) She is also a tobacco-addicted narcissist who drinks a lot. They chat on the phone and text for hours every day because, as he puts it, "she can't be alone." I think she uses him to compensate for her insecurities. I also think she's a bad influence on him. We see each other only every other week because of the physical distance between us, and then only for a day and a half. Last weekend while I was there, she texted him and asked if we would come spend the evening and drink with her. I told him absolutely not! I am protective of our time together and have no desire to spend any time with her. The closeness they share really bothers me. They have been friends for 20 years, but their relationship feels weirdly close to me. It's almost like a pseudo romance. I don't know what to do. I really love this man, but I often feel like a third wheel. We talk every night, and he mentions her every single night. I'm tired of it. When he mentions her name, I physically cringe. I have tried talking to him about my feelings concerning this, but he isn't interested in talking about it. He defends her adamantly. What should I do? -- FEELING STUCK IN INDIANA

DEAR FEELING STUCK IN INDIANA: There is nothing worse than a Fag-Hag interrupting a perfectly good weekend of ball gargling, sipping white wine spritzers and getting mani-pedis. One thing is certain, this booze pickled Fag-Hag is providing your butt-buddy with something you’ll never be able to provide, she has lured him into the enchanted land of the vagina and he is done hooked on that fuzzy lap flounder. Maybe he is finally decided to address his long standing hetero curiosity rather than settling for the bottom half of a back door relationship that has one too many penises in the equation. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com