Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this man scaring boner killer?

DEAR MIKE CARES: I'm in my early 30s and have decided to lead a child-free life. I think having a kid in the current state of affairs (rising costs, social injustices, crime, global warming, etc.) is unkind and irresponsible. But I'm worried that I won't have anyone to look after me if (or when) I am immobilized due to age. What are your thoughts? -- WORRIED MILLENNIAL

DEAR WORRIED MILLENNIAL: Here are my thoughts Debbie Denial, the only reason you have “decided” to lead a child-free life is because every man who has spent 10 minutes listening to your apocalyptic outlook on life fled to the nearest emergency exit.  Your doom and gloom rhetoric is a natural birth control method and could turn any erect penis into a piece of wet macaroni reducing the likelihood of pregnancy down to a fleeting wet dream. As to worries about who will look after you when you are “immobilized due to age,” I am sure the nice folks at the mental institute will take great care of you, assuming the sun hasn’t hit the earth burning everyone to death. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com