Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this sexless housewife?

DEAR MIKE CARES: Here are my spouse's excuses for avoiding sex: I'm tired. I'm too nervous. It's hot. It's cold. I'm too full. I have a headache. I have a stomachache. The kids might hear. I have to go to work. My mind is on other things. It's too early in the morning. It's too late at night. I'll bet you think this letter is from a husband complaining about his wife. You're wrong. It's from a wife complaining about her husband. He is 50 years old, and I am 40. We are both too young to be giving up sex. If you have any suggestions on how to improve this not-so-hot relationship, I'd like to hear them. - - Failing in Fresno, Calif.

DEAR FAILING IN FRESNO: Men are simple, they want food, sex, sports and not to be bothered with stupid female shit. Are you good with math?  If you are 40 and his girlfriend is 25, then you need to lose 15 years or make him drink 15 beers. The beers-to-years ratio is a highly effective scientific formula that allows ugly and fat chicks to get laid. Thankfully, it also allows desperate housewives to rekindle what their weight, looks, attitude and mother have done to their marriage. Next time your husband makes excuses, just pop open a beer and watch him react like a dog reacts to opening a can of Alpo. After that the math will take over and you will have your man back, well, at least between hangovers. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com