Top 10 things you will hear at this year's Dear Mike Cares Christmas dinner table.

10. I heard father O'Brien is embracing diversity by making the the genderfluid alter boy tickle his ballsack with his "wicked tongue."

9.     Dude, that autistic kid is eating the ornaments off the tree, should we tell his mother or just give him another beer?

8.      I’m going to make a killing listing all these shit-gifts on ebay.

7.     Every year grandma looks more and more dead, who gets her jewelry anyway?

6.     I heard Santa Claus couldn’t deliver gifts in Gaza because there’s no chimneys left.

5.     Looks like Aunt Christine got new tits, let’s do shots with her till she whips them out.

4.     This food is so gross I’ll probably shit my pants before I get a chance to puke.

3.     There’s not enough booze in the world to make this phony holiday worth another DWI.

2.      Trump can grab my pussy anytime he wants.

1.    If AI planned this party we’d all be high as fuck hanging out on Jeffrey Epstein’s island throwing bitcoins at SBF and listening to Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s stand-up routine.